We’ve all heard that the NFL Sunday Ticket package will include a new channel, “Fantasy Zone” featuring Dhani Jones and Kay Adams. I would like to throw a flag. We don’t need a stylish former player who DIDN’T EVEN PLAY A SKILL POSITION IN THE LEAGUE to give us fantasy advice. We need the degenerates who talk like us and more importantly, look like us. I am nominating myself to give this channel, which doesn’t exist yet, a premature makeover. Here’s what my “Fantasy Zone” would look like.
Denny Carter and JJ Zachariason are the hosts with Rich Hribar providing “color” commentary while wearing his embarrassing 49ers QB of the late 90s/00s jersey. Hello, Jim Drunkenmiller. Looking forward to seeing you, Ken Dorsey. Tim Rattay, stay in the green room. There will be live “shower cry” segments with Denny wearing the biggest shower cap in history and a wet suit with NFL sponsors who will be crying as their stock values plummet. Every time Peyton Manning or Aaron Rodgers throws an interception, Mr. Late Round QB does The Truffle Shuffle.
The ever-popular “breaking ties” segment will be hosted by Matt Rittle, who will show you how to tie a tie and make your tough lineup decisions while wearing a toga with a collar.
Renee Miller will present “what your brain is up to right now”, but we’ll ignore it because of the CGI fireworks/flying eagles display in the background. Green screen was a bad idea.
Jeff Ratcliffe offers IDP advice between keg stands of the IPA of the week.
For “something completely different”, Cecil Lammey, Sigmund Bloom, Jene Bramel and Matt Waldman will perform live-action recreations of Cecil’s latest graphic novel, dressed as their favorite “motorboating” RBs from the 80s.
There will be a live cam in the corner of Matthew Berry shaking his head in disgust and jealousy.
The “north of the border” segment will feature Sean Tomlinson doing his “you’d have to be as drunk as Rob Ford to start Darren McFadden” segment, Jonathan Vandersluis having to drink an American beer while wearing a top hat, Chris Goodin in full Royal Canadian Monty regalia imploring you not to start any Titans, Sal Stefanile offering his favorite non-alcoholic beverages to double fist while watching your 2 QB leagues, and the ghost of Eric Yeomans.
There will be a roundtable featuring the DLF “brain trust” of Eric, Tim, Jarrett, Karl, and the Kens telling us the top prospects for the 2036 NFL Draft (scouting babies is the next level of devy football).
In a reality show, the new Football Guys’ staff writers will attempt to do exactly what Johnny Manziel did the previous weekend and we see who dies.
Regan Yant goes four-wheeling with your RB2 and you’re forced to watch as he crashes through a barbed-wire fence.
Try our new fantasy game, “Get As Drunk As The Street Free Agent” and try to make as many semi-coherent rants about our Fearless Leader, I mean Roger Goodell. Also, see how many substances Dexters Library can ingest during the NFL Sunday that would get him suspended.
Fantasy Douche explains his love life using only numbers.
In the “Miller gets caned” section, Robert Miller, formerly known as Fantasy Jedi, shows you how the typical actions of an NFL fan at a sports bar would get you deported from Singapore.
To help fantasy owners understand the extent and nature of injuries, we will re-enact the best injuries of the day as Scott Peak actually tears a lucky fan’s ACL on camera.
As the final game reaches its inevitable conclusion, we watch the highlights of the day’s action as Ryan Boser sings “I’m Too Sexy” while wearing a Daunte Culpepper jersey.
I’m sorry, there are hundreds of additional fantasy minds that I did not include on this list. Send your complaints to “[email protected]”. Thank you and enjoy the show.